


talking to gravestones

by screechfox



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Jon isn't in a very good place Beholding-wise, Season/Series 04, Talking To Dead People, Unhappy Ending, except the dead people don't answer back, unhealthy thought processes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-09
Updated: 2019-09-09
Packaged: 2020-10-13 11:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 778
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20581577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/screechfox/pseuds/screechfox
Summary: Jon talks to Tim's grave, and he talks to himself — not that there's much difference between the two situations, from an outside perspective.





	talking to gravestones

**Author's Note:**

> curse my weird neurosis about posting things shorter than 1000 words. i wrote most of this around the start of august when my laptop wrote, but i've given it an edit today and tried to beat back that weird thought process i get.

“You know, I think you were right, Tim,” Jon says.

The gravestone in front of him doesn’t answer. Typical. It’s a polished thing of shining black stone and simple gold lettering, a few wilted flowers sitting at its base. It’s so very unlike Tim that even if Jon believed in ghosts — real ghosts, not dead souls twisted to some agenda beyond this earth — he doubts that Tim’s spirit would cling to the memorial anyway. Perhaps it’s the Stranger’s final joke at their collective expenses.

(It isn’t even only Tim’s grave. _ Daniel Stoker, _ the lettering at the top reads, with a death date four years too late. Something in Jon bristles at the untruth of it, and he swallows down the bitter taste on his tongue. He could almost convince himself that telling Tim’s parents the truth would be a mercy, but he knows better than to give in to tempting, _ hungry _ thoughts like that.)

“What was it, again?” Jon turns his face to the midday sun above, imagining a dark pitted pupil at the centre of its searing light. “‘It’s _ instinct,’ _ you told me. ‘You _ can’t not.’ _ I think you might have been right about that.”

With a drawn-out sigh, Jon glances over to where Daisy hovers at the edge of the graveyard. Her posture is tense as she attempts to give him a modicum of privacy. She doesn’t want to be here, but she was the only one willing to escort him here — the only other person who missed out on months of mourning, even if she and Tim never actually got on.

In theory, she’s here to protect him. It isn’t just that, of course. There’s an agreement in the Archives — an agreement he shouldn’t know about but does — that Daisy is the one who could get through to him if he finds someone who’ll sate his hunger. 

Daisy is the peaceful option, Jon thinks wryly. How things change. 

The fact that they aren’t escalating straight to _ putting him down, _ as Basira says, can only be a positive sign about their opinions of him, and he _ does _ appreciate it. 

It’s just that they’re wrong, of course. Or at least, Jon _ thinks _ they’re wrong. He doesn’t deserve this concession, because for all that he’s been trying his hardest to avoid hurting people… Well, to put it lightly, Jon is starting to lose faith in his own better nature. If an opportunity presents itself, he’s not even sure his guilt could stop him from taking advantage.

Luckily, it isn’t a situation they’ll be faced with today. The graveyard is utterly lifeless around them, without even the sounds of a stray insect. The nearest story is— well, that isn’t important. Not yet, at any rate.

“Maybe you weren’t right when you said it,” Jon continues. “I think I was better back then. Maybe I wasn’t _ good, _ but… better. Still human, whatever that means in the grand scheme of things.”

At this point, Jon knows how futile trying to recall his past mindset is, but he can’t help it. Was he ever _ really _ better? Did he ever care about hurting people? He must have done; he remembers the horror in his own voice as Gerry described the Eye’s domain to him. All that emotion has vanished now — there is intellectual empathy, certainly, but accompanied by a muted fascination, a _ need _ that makes him hunger for more knowledge, more fear, more pain.

“I had so much choice back then,” Jon murmurs, caught in his reminiscence, then laughs bitterly a moment later. “No. That’s not right. I just didn’t know what choices I was making. Now I know, and, ah… I _ can’t not.” _

_ I don’t forgive you, _ Jon recalls, though he can’t quite remember when Tim told them to him. With the sigh of a man who knows he’s only going to hurt himself, Jon tries to imagine what Tim would think of him now. Nothing good, obviously. It would be so easy for him to look at Jon and see all the worst parts of Archivist and Elias both. Perhaps that should be a sobering thought. It isn’t.

“I won’t be Elias,” Jon mutters to himself. “Whatever I am, whatever I do, I won’t be him.”

_ Yeah, right, _ Tim’s voice scoffs, on the edge of Jon’s thoughts. Sharper than he should, he tells it to shut up. It’s only a memory, after all.

“I’m sorry, Tim,” Jon says as though that will fix the fact he’s staring down Tim’s grave. “I… Goodbye.”

Jon forces himself to turn away from the grave and begin walking towards Daisy, whose shoulders noticeably relax as he approaches her.

“Goodbye,” Jon mutters again, all to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> on the topic of fics shorter than 1000 words, would people want me to crosspost the two other fic snippets i posted on tumblr a while back? they are completely thematically different to this, don't worry.
> 
> my tumblr is [screechfoxes](https://screechfoxes.tumblr.com) and i hope you have a good day despite the depressingness i've just dumped on you!


End file.
